From The Biz: My current roommate is a very nice and easygoing guy which is why a month ago I was taken off guard when I heard a vulgar string of expletives coming loudly from the living room. “What’s your deal?” I asked, only to get a 5 minute anger filled rant on the evil that is Jared from Subway. To which I replied “tell me how you really feel”. Well thankfully readers, he has done just that. Up to that point I had thought nothing wrong with Jared, he might look a little goofy, but you can’t hate on a dude for enjoying a nice grinder. Well, my roommate has officially transferred his hatred of Jared onto me the way I have spread my strong dislike of David “Mr. College” onto many of you. Below is a dissertation usually reserved for when The Biz is feeling extra surly, it is now brought to you by an easygoing, fun loving nice guy. Who knew he had it in him?
Jared Fogle: American Zero
Please excuse the irritated tone of this commentary. I promise you that I am an easy-going guy. That being said… I am using my roommates’ blog space to exercise my “freedom of type” to get something off my chest. Even once it’s off my chest I will still have to seek treatment for the severe chapping that Jared from Subway’s success and renown has caused my ass. I’m not even sure why I’m writing this down, seeing as how I am pretty sure words cannot express how intensely disappointed I am in our society for hoisting his fat ass up. Basically, the fact that this guy even has a job flat out pisses me off. Let the unpleasant news be spread… Kyle wants Jared from Subway to get fat again.
Fact: Jared from Subway was so lazy and unhealthy that his human figure had amassed over 400 lbs of jiggling flop by the time the dude turned 21. Fact: Jared from Subway admittedly ate over 10,000 calories a day. 10,000 CALORIES A DAY!!!! One fast-food meal (unarguably the calorie consumer’s go-to meal) has a mere 1000 calories. How many meals was Jared pre-Subway eating? I’m going to venture to guess he certainly wasn’t working up an appetite. His parents should be famous for being the first people convicted of letting their kid never ever do or eat anything even remotely healthy at all. The only thing sadder than the “fact” that these two “facts” are in “fact” true is the “fact” that they form the plot setting of a so-called “All-American Hero’s” tale.
AMAZINGLY enough… Jared from Subway lost weight when he replaced the Tons-of-Fun-Fatburgers he was inhaling for breakfast, mid-morning snack, brunch, lunch, mid-early-afternoon-snack, mid-afternoon-snack, mid-late-afternoon snack, dinner, dessert, and midnight snack, with one 6 inch turkey sandwich. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? Alert the fucking surgeon general. Guess what happens when a person divides their 10,000 calorie-a-day diet by 10? Answer: their body starts to eat itself. Nice work slim… which group of rocket scientists told you to cut out the french fries for your new diet?
I am not insensitive. Don’t respond to this with your socially correct “pat-on-your-own-back” messages about how hard it is to lose weight. I’m not an idiot. If I had met Jared from Subway on the subway (no pun intended), before all his unearned fame, and learned about his 300 lbs. weight loss, I’d give him a teammate-esque pat on his still-not-exactly-thin ass and buy him a low-calorie beer. The part that pisses me off is that he’s been hoisted up onto our custom made, plus-sized, American made pedestal, and is now treated like he cured AIDS. Are our standards really that low? Someone please explain how this is different than us idolizing a crack-head who miraculously turned his life around by refraining from his gluttonous crack habit? I feel like we’re kneeling before some dude that miraculously survived a mysterious drowning epidemic by actually removing his head from the water before gasping for a breath of fresh air. Let’s try rewarding people that deserve it for once, instead of championing those that finally benefit from doing what they should have been doing all along. Then again, I guess this is the country that RE-elected… nevermind, that’s a different blog.
Nut up
