The Official Limousine Service of Daily Bizisms

I have a dream that one day a man will not be judged based on the amount of money he has, his car, his job, or his looks. But today is not that day. To overcome these areas where you may have a crippling deficiency I strongly suggest you use the Official Limousine Service of Daily Bizisms when out on the town.

Picture this: You and your boys have a big night planned. Gonna hit some clubs, maybe get some bottle service while you check out the talent. You're wearing your best striped shirt with the top two buttons undone and your hair is gelled up like a Gotti brother, but your buddy rolls over to pick you up in his Camaro and its not even clean. This could put a serious damper on your evening. You're money, but your buddy's ride could be a real c-blocker. Don't risk it. Call up the Chicken Limo! Check that out. We're talking about a bright yellow limo with a chicken top dude! You probably can't go wrong if you're rollin' in that. The sucker's bet is the under on three chicks for the night guaranteed. Next time you're plannin' on getting after it, make it a Chicken Limo night.

Snap Judgments

So on Tuesday I had the pleasure of experiencing the joys of the interview process, and I just dont get it. I mean in my life I decide whether or not I like someone and want someone to continue to talk to me in no more than 5 minutes. If I had an entire resume in front of me that time would be cut in half. So what takes so long in an interview? Do they decide as quickly as me or do they try an keep an open mind? Are they just being polite and dragging the interview on longer to make it seem like they havent already decided? Why not conduct an interview like you would if you met someone at a bar? You ask a couple quick questions and then pull the old 'well...I really got to go to the bathroom, or hold that thought I want to grad a drink.' When I was teaching in New Bedford we would determine who was getting offers to teach the next year and I would make up my decision before morning assembly. But we never just sent the kid home. But why waste their time. "Listen kid you suck, youre a tool, and there is no way in hell that I would want to spend every day working with you, so Ill save you an entire day of awkward conversations and just tell you now to hit the road." Or; "Youre legit, you seem like good people and lets be honest anything you need to know you'll learn on the job, so you can stay for the rest of the day or just take off and we'll see you on your first day."
The other thing I dont get is the fact that you leave without any answer to the job. I understand that the people that interview dont have authority and there is a process but shouldnt there be some brutal honesty that takes place Biz style. At the the end of the process just let the person know, "you got no shot cause you suck, and seem like a real d-bag" or "you crack my shit up and seem like a perfect fit." I dont know I just think there needs to be a little honesty taking place during the interview and everyone would have to spend less time feeling like an asshole in a suit talking about shit that they dont care about just so that they can get paid.

The Evolution of Biz

Lately there’s been a lot of jibber jabber regarding the nickname ‘Biz’. I’m about to clear up some of these misconceptions.

Now this is the story all about how

My name got flipped and turned upside down.

So I’d like to take a minute

Just sit right there

I’ll tell you how the nickname ‘The Biz’ evolved from nowhere.

A little town called Oxford is where I played,

On a brown couch was where I spent most of my days.

Chillin’ out maxin’ relaxin’ all cool,

Watchin’ west wizzle outside of school,

When a lovable guy called Bones,

Who was usually up to no good,

Shouted “Yo B” from underneath his WashU hood.

I looked towards my friend and he looked at me,

I said “You, Meat and Siegs should call me King B”

They whistled and laughed and called to come near,

The nickname would be ‘Queen B’ from now on around here.

If anything I can say this nickname sucked,

But I thought ‘naw forget it, they’ll forget soon enough’

It was 7 or 8 days and they were still being haters,

They called to me “Queen Bizzle, what are we doin’ later?”

I just shook my head at my friends

On the brown couch chillin’ there,

Sittin’ on our throne watchin’ Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

Eventually I was right. They all forgot soon enough or more likely became too lazy and cut the queen part from my nickname. I was referred to as Bizzle for a while, and then they got lazy again and cut it down to Biz. So that is the true story of the evolution of The Biz. Those out there who have heard the vicious mudslinging and rumors can now rest assured this was not a self proclaimed nickname.

-The Biz-

An Unsolicited Endorsement

Dwayne Carter. The man is 26 years old has shot himself in the chest at age 12, went to a gifted kids middle school and was the tin man in the school play, drinks codeine cough syrup with Jones Soda, has neck and face tattoos, raps gibberish and I love all the craziness he personifies. Few things in life are as terrifying to me as scary movies, roller coasters, and large dogs not kept on leashes, but neck and face tattoos creep me out. It still doesn't stop me from diggin' everything about Weazy. So take this as an official endorsement. I am making Lil' Wayne an honorary Bizicist. I leave you with a great example of his craziness "I got it covered like a coke top, I'm back like a brassiere hook, I'm just trying to get my spot like a polka dot". I don't even know what that means but it's not stoppin me from lovin' it.

What Happened ???

Let me apologize for the hiatus. Warm weather and sunshine had me living in a bubble of happiness and outdoor drinking, and I had seriously neglected my surly side. With the return of the cold, slushy snow, and the US officially being in the big "R" I have gotten back to my roots and started noticing all those things that really chap my ass. I'll start off slow and shake off the dust as I try to get back into the swing of things. Hopefully Bones Esq. will join me and share some of his own interesting tidbits. Here are some of the little things that have been grinding my gears over the past few months:

• Bailouts/Socialism
• Lions Football
• Celebrity political endorsements
• Sarah Palin being a serious VP candidate
• Paying extra for HD cable when HD tvs are the only thing you can buy
• underage olympic chinese gymnasts
• a boring world series (can't even remember who played in it)
• a shrinking 401(k).......I'm getting old
• getting old

Another one of the things that's been grinding my gears lately is gas stations. With the increase in gas prices over the summer we saw a new trend appear. One price for gas if we paid cash, and another price if we paid with credit card. The reasoning behind this was the profit margins were a certain amount per gallon and when gas was at $4.00+/gallon the credit card fees that are charged as a percentage of total cost were increasing and eating into the profit. Well now gas is down to $1.75/gallon again. But guess what? There are still two prices for gas. One for cash, one for credit, and its really starting to bother me. As the prices keep falling, I keep expecting to see the two prices disappear, but its not happening. Now I know I shouldn't let this bother me. If some owner of a gas station wants to capitalize on idiots who are willing to pay more for using their credit card, more power to him. I just don't like how we're all supposed to forget what the original reasoning behind it was. As soon as the habit of paying two different prices was created I should have known we'd all become the ones who cover their credit cards fees once the prices go down again and we're expected to have short memories and never remember the times of a single price. Shame on me for being the sucker who uses the credit card price still and shame on other business owners who never adopted a "two-price" philosophy for their products. Welcome back to Daily Bizisms and thanks for listening to what's been really grinding my gears.

It Exists!

Big news coming out of Michigan my Bizicists. Just got word that Sonic is in fact a real fast food restaurant and there are 2 of them now in Michigan. The mythical beast that has until now only been seen in commercials is open and serving delicious snacks. I am planning a trip to this drive-in delight as soon as I can and I will share the experience with all of you. Until then, please visit here for all your Sonic Michigan news and updates

Jared Fogle: An American ZERO?

From The Biz: My current roommate is a very nice and easygoing guy which is why a month ago I was taken off guard when I heard a vulgar string of expletives coming loudly from the living room. “What’s your deal?” I asked, only to get a 5 minute anger filled rant on the evil that is Jared from Subway. To which I replied “tell me how you really feel”. Well thankfully readers, he has done just that. Up to that point I had thought nothing wrong with Jared, he might look a little goofy, but you can’t hate on a dude for enjoying a nice grinder. Well, my roommate has officially transferred his hatred of Jared onto me the way I have spread my strong dislike of David “Mr. College” onto many of you. Below is a dissertation usually reserved for when The Biz is feeling extra surly, it is now brought to you by an easygoing, fun loving nice guy. Who knew he had it in him?

Jared Fogle: American Zero

Please excuse the irritated tone of this commentary. I promise you that I am an easy-going guy. That being said… I am using my roommates’ blog space to exercise my “freedom of type” to get something off my chest. Even once it’s off my chest I will still have to seek treatment for the severe chapping that Jared from Subway’s success and renown has caused my ass. I’m not even sure why I’m writing this down, seeing as how I am pretty sure words cannot express how intensely disappointed I am in our society for hoisting his fat ass up. Basically, the fact that this guy even has a job flat out pisses me off. Let the unpleasant news be spread… Kyle wants Jared from Subway to get fat again.

Fact: Jared from Subway was so lazy and unhealthy that his human figure had amassed over 400 lbs of jiggling flop by the time the dude turned 21. Fact: Jared from Subway admittedly ate over 10,000 calories a day. 10,000 CALORIES A DAY!!!! One fast-food meal (unarguably the calorie consumer’s go-to meal) has a mere 1000 calories. How many meals was Jared pre-Subway eating? I’m going to venture to guess he certainly wasn’t working up an appetite. His parents should be famous for being the first people convicted of letting their kid never ever do or eat anything even remotely healthy at all. The only thing sadder than the “fact” that these two “facts” are in “fact” true is the “fact” that they form the plot setting of a so-called “All-American Hero’s” tale.

AMAZINGLY enough… Jared from Subway lost weight when he replaced the Tons-of-Fun-Fatburgers he was inhaling for breakfast, mid-morning snack, brunch, lunch, mid-early-afternoon-snack, mid-afternoon-snack, mid-late-afternoon snack, dinner, dessert, and midnight snack, with one 6 inch turkey sandwich. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? Alert the fucking surgeon general. Guess what happens when a person divides their 10,000 calorie-a-day diet by 10? Answer: their body starts to eat itself. Nice work slim… which group of rocket scientists told you to cut out the french fries for your new diet?

I am not insensitive. Don’t respond to this with your socially correct “pat-on-your-own-back” messages about how hard it is to lose weight. I’m not an idiot. If I had met Jared from Subway on the subway (no pun intended), before all his unearned fame, and learned about his 300 lbs. weight loss, I’d give him a teammate-esque pat on his still-not-exactly-thin ass and buy him a low-calorie beer. The part that pisses me off is that he’s been hoisted up onto our custom made, plus-sized, American made pedestal, and is now treated like he cured AIDS. Are our standards really that low? Someone please explain how this is different than us idolizing a crack-head who miraculously turned his life around by refraining from his gluttonous crack habit? I feel like we’re kneeling before some dude that miraculously survived a mysterious drowning epidemic by actually removing his head from the water before gasping for a breath of fresh air. Let’s try rewarding people that deserve it for once, instead of championing those that finally benefit from doing what they should have been doing all along. Then again, I guess this is the country that RE-elected… nevermind, that’s a different blog.

Nut up America!! Jared from Subway saved his own life by finally doing ANYTHING AT ALL. By finally being responsible with the only thing we’re all born with. I know that everyone that struggles with weight problems isn’t a lazy piece of shit… but Jared from Subway was. And now he’s famous. Can we make it any easier for the rest of the world to mock us? Next thing you know we’ll give Dr. Phil “Physician of the Year” for telling a wife in a body cast that she might want to consider leaving her abusive, convicted rapist husband.

I guess you can’t blame Subway for trying to sell a sandwich by plugging the “good for you” angle… but you can definitely blame America for biting into it like one of Jared’s mid-late-afternoon snacks. Back to you Biz…